Thursday, March 29, 2012

Holding Hope


 "We have this HOPE as anchor for the soul, firm and secure..."
Hebrews 6:19



 When these pictures were taken yesterday I imagined sharing a fabulous story with you...
The story of a family that has been secretly waiting {for months} to bring home a precious baby girl. I imagined telling you all about the emotional roller coaster this has been and how only through choosing to trust the Lord, daily, was I able to joyfully embrace each day and all the unknowns that laid before us. I imagined sharing with you my excitement when I finally received the call to come pick her up from the hospital...our baby girl was coming home. 
I imagined telling you how grateful I am to have been able to have those moments with her in the hospital...moments of cuddling, swaddling, feeding, kissing, singing, changing diapers {yes...diaper moments can be sweet too}, changing clothes...Moments I wasn't able to have with out older two boys, precious moments I was so grateful to have with our sweet little girl. 
I imagined sharing with you welcome home pictures and stories of the boys reactions to her arrival. I imagined telling you the tale of a cupcake sweater I bought long before I had children that was destined to belong to our precious little girl...
But, that is not the story I get to share with you today.

Our story has a different ending...

We HAVE been secretly waiting for months to bring home a precious baby girl. It HAS been an emotional roller coaster. And I HAVE daily chosen to give the situation and all it's unknowns to the Lord, knowing that He loves me and trusting Him with my heart and hers. I DID receive a call yesterday to come get her...finally. My heart was exploding with joy!!! I rushed to the hospital, all by myself, to hold our precious girl and wait for discharge. I fed her, sang to her, cuddled her, told her all about her new brothers and fabulous daddy, kissed her sweet fuzzy little head, and watched as they loaded her into our carseat.
I gave her my heart...and then everything changed.
A hospital staff member walked in to tell us the judge had ruled differently then expected...the room fell silent and then filled with proclamations of shock and disbelief. They began to unbuckle her from the carseat and the tears fell on my face. I had to leave. She was not coming home with me. I was going home alone. 

From the outside looking in...nothing has changed. Technically, I have everything that I had yesterday...but on the inside, my heart is broken.

I am filled with questions of "Why?" & "How did this happen?" I am fighting the desire to be angry at someone/anyone...it never should have gotten that far...right? I am tempted to dwell on the "what if's" & "could I have done something differently?"

Sigh...

And yet, in the middle of my broken heart and deepest sadness...I feel love. I have no regrets. I am grateful for those moments I had with her...I am glad that I gave her my heart. I don't have any answers to my questions and I know that I may never. I don't know why God has allowed us to be in this situation but...I trust Him. He loves me more than I could ever comprehend...and he loves her too. 

And there is where I find peace today. 

So I will pray for baby girl because I love her...forever & ever. 


 I want to thank all our family and friends for the support they have shown us through out this process. 
Know that we are sad but we are OK. We feel loved by you & HIM. 
And we couldn't asks for a better resting place. 
Thank you.


20 comments:

  1. Tracey this is beautiful. heart breaking but beautiful. we are so grateful for your courage, love and example, and are so glad that He is taking care of you right now.

    we will be praying for what atleast feels like our niece, and will love her wherever she is along with you.

    ben

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  2. tears tears tears. i had a dream about you last night...you had a big preggo belly and we were so happy. i've seen your pregnant heart over these months and my heart breaks seeing you lose your baby girl. i am so incredibly proud of your trusting heart, you holding your anchor in this crazy storm. keep holding on and knowing you are loved.

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  3. Thinking of you and your family today.

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  4. Bless you and your family for being willing to go through that and still be strong. I hope the Lord has a baby girl for you in the future.

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  5. I am praying for you and your family today!

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  6. oh no : ( so sorry for you and your family. this is a beautiful, heartfelt post. it is hard to find hope so fresh into such situation, and you have done so with both grace and courage. my thoughts and prayers are with you and that little girl.

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  7. I'm devastated.
    Praying for your family.
    Love you.

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  8. Tears glisten down my cheeks as I read your "heart"... Thank you for opening it in this post. I can think of nothing to add to the truth you have already stated so beautifully. Praying for you and Josh and the boys. Laura

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    1. Your prayers are felt...thank you love.

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  9. Dear Tracey, few will ever know the particular and exquisite sorrow you must be under. I am furious and broken-hearted for you. Thanks for sharing that we might pray. I do pray -- that God will heal you, give you faithful patience, and bring you joy. And you will know joy in a way that most will never be able to comprehend.

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  10. So heartbreaking - I pray that God holds you close and gives you peace. God is good and has a plan to bless you and give you great joy, but this must hurt more than any of us readers could comprehend. Keep trusting Him....

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    Replies
    1. For the Joy of the Lord is my strength...thank you for your kind words.

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  11. Oh sweetie,
    I am truly sorry!!! No one ever knows why these things happen, but I know God has something wonderful in store for you and your family, I truly believe that even in the midst of your heartbreak!!~
    My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
    Sincerely,
    Melinda

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  12. Thinking of you so much. I cannot even imagine the pain, but I am so touched and encouraged by your love and faith in the Lord. May your heart mend and your sorrow pass. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family.

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  13. tracey, my heart is with you right now. i am so sorry you are going through this, and i cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. i'll be keeping your family in my prayers.

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  14. I am praying for you....I can't imagine this feeling, but how wonderful for you to still find the love through this whole process, that is complete trust in God =) Xo ~Ashley

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Thank you for the note!