Saturday, August 17, 2013

Surreal

Dates in the NICU are what we do these days. 
It's good for them. 
It's good for me.
It's good for baby. 

There something surreal about having a baby in the NICU. 

When you're there it almost feels normal.

You cuddle and baby talk, sing little songs, tell him about life at home, answer tons of questions from his brothers, laugh at his old man baby faces, take tons of pictures, feed him and literally squeal when he finishes a bottle, swaddle him, examine every inch of his face to make sure you don't forget a single thing, and spend every other second praising the Lord for this MIRACLE he has blessed you with. 

Then it's time to say goodbye.

You kiss your baby on his sweet little head, put him back in his "box" and prepare yourself to leave him behind. 
You watch as his brothers pat his head through a hole and say "see ya later buddy". 
You wipe/hide a few tears and make your way down a hall filled with babies in "boxes". 
Fully aware of which rooms are now vacant, because someone else's baby got to go home. 
{All the while genuinely happy for those families and genuinely jealous}

By the time you reach the car it hits again, the bizarre feeling like you don't really have a baby. You know it's not true, you know this will all end...but for now, it feels surreal...when you're not there with him it feels like you don't really have a baby. 
Because babies are supposed to come home with their mama's. 
{Oh and I won't even get into how much more intense it is to leave him in the evening...}

Having a baby in the NICU is surreal. 

Pause. 
I am grateful: our preemie has ZERO health concerns, he just needs time to build up his strength. Our preemie's birth was relatively drama free. Our preemie is making strides everyday. 
I have hope: God loves our preemie more than we do...and we love him A LOT. God is bigger than this. 
Un-Pause.

I am grateful for my healthy preemie and the amazing care the he is receiving day in and day out. I have hope that he will be with us soon.
But...I am sad. 

Sad that our baby can't be home with us.
Sad that it feels surreal.
Sad that his brothers are confused & longing for normal.
Sad that he needs hospital care, even if it is amazing. 

These days I am:
Grateful, hopeful & Sad. 

Some day's Sad is winning, most days grateful is.
I am never just one. 
I am all three. 
And that feels healthy. 

Hebrews 6:19 "...we have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul. Firm & Secure..."

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