Friday, January 30, 2015

mama's got the blues

These boys.
They are some of the bravest, kindest people I know. 
{they are also huge, but that's off topic…}
Sure, I'm biased…but that doesn't make it any less true.
They fill my days with lots of crazy, but even more love. I am beyond blessed to be their mother.
I wouldn't trade it for a thing. 

But these pictures break my heart a little, because I don't just see 4 beautiful boys. I also, see one boy is missing. And I don't know how to not see that. 
Every time we have a beautiful moment all together…it strikes me anew that one of us is not here. 
The sadness of that reality is always lingering. 
It's robbing me of joy. 

I've been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder. 
Basically, I'm not adjusting to the new norm that is our life. 
The norm where one of our boys is living elsewhere. 
I feel guilt when I think about being ok with it all.
I feel guilt about many things in regards to the whole situation.
It's not healthy.
The time has come to move forward.

These boys…they are moving forward. 
Slowly, but surely. 
They miss and love their big brother but they have hope for him & there they find peace. 

I seem to have lost hope & gotten stuck in the sad. 
But it's time to change that.
It's time to move forward. 
I miss, me. . 

I am so grateful for the example of these courageous young men of mine. 
May I too find peace in hope.

Heb 6:19, "For we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm & secure…"

1 comment:

Thank you for the note!