Monday, March 23, 2015

redifining

My boy. 
Do you know that I love you?
Do you know it, really?
You smile when I tell you…but do you believe that it's true?
We've had some hard conversations recently. Both with our son and with those involved in his care/treatment.  Decisions are being made and conclusions are being reached. It is time to start accepting what "is". 

Things are changing. 
Roles are changing. 
His to us. 
Ours to him. 
"Family" is being redefined. 
It is good.
It is love.
It is hard.
It is worth it. 
And adjusting has begun. 

Still, some days I feel like I am slowly loosing him forever. 
{like I have lost him already}
Tonights late night phone call has me feeling so again. 
"Not my son", I want to say, "Not MY son."
But I don't, I listen and thank them for calling and then I hang up the phone. 

There will be no phone calls from him this week.
He will be avoiding conversation with me.
He will avoid me "parenting" him. 
{aka lecturing}
He will wait to see us at our weekly Family dinner…where we will all pretend that all is well with the world and that Texas Roadhouse is the best restaurant eva'.
I can't say I blame him though, I mean seriously.
Who wants a lecture from their fancy nancy mama while she's in her fancy lil' house, while they're spending they're days in a not so fancy psychiatric care home?
So in a way, I'm grateful he won't be calling because I don't feel quite up to talking about it either.

Things are changing. 
Roles are changing. 
His to us. 
Ours to him. 
"Family" is being redefined. 
It is good.
It is love.
It is hard.
It is worth it. 
And adjusting has begun. 

Tonight I will not be up all night crying or worrying. 
I will not frantically scratch in my journal thoughts of "how, why, when?"
I will choose hope, I will choose trust, I will choose joy, I will choose love. 
I will drift off to sleep, no longer afraid or filled with doubts or guilt, but rather filled with love for my son and sadness for his condition. 
And I will count down the days till Thursday's family dinner. 
Because I can't wait to see him again.  
Sigh. 
I just want to hug him and tell him I'll love him, "forever & ever, no matter what." 
And I want him to believe me. 
Because it is true. 

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